Hi! Sorry to all, I haven't been on here much. (I'm no Krout!) Charlotte and I are in Arkansas visiting my Mom and sisters. My sweet little girl is going to be five months tomorrow! Sometimes I wish I was more of a Type A personality: then my house would always be clean, cranberry muffins would always be baking, Charlotte would always have a million pictures and outfits, and oh, whatever. I'm not. I'm so easygoing, but I am making muffins right now. It's finally warm enough in Chicago to venture outdoors, so Charlotte and I have many playdates in order! I'm a ChaCha guide now, which is nice. All our extra money is going to go to paying off our credit cards. So far Dave and I have made about $100 in two weeks, which isn't bad in my book for just puttering around on the innerwebs.

I applied for grad school, too, so I should hear about that in a few weeks. In preparation for (possibly maybe) getting in, I just finished reading "The Student Loan Scam: The Most Oppresive Debt in History." I knew a bit about this before, but I'm so glad I read it. I now know not to get a private loan, to keep copies of all records, the difference between subsidized and unsubsidized, lies about deferment and forbearance, and generally how evil loan corporations are. There is currently NO way to discharge private student loan debt, not even permanent disability or bankruptcy. It's also why I've been apply for a bazillion grants and scholarships. Well, as we always say "We adore YOU as being in control of everything!"  Oh, and there's going to be a couponing class at the library in April! I'm so jazzed. Maybe they can tell me where to get double or triple coupons!
 

Now for something you care about. Baby C! She's found her toes which may be the BEST THING EVER.

I've been putting together an album of Charlotte's birth, and it really started to make me think about my entire birth experience. If you're a guy (and not my husband), you'll likely have little interest in this entry, so you have my permission to skip it. If you think homebirthing is nuts, you may want to skip this as well. Just my thoughts.

Let me preface by saying that Charlotte was nothing short of an unexpected miracle. The odds of conceiving on birth control are incredibly slim, so I was blindsided by her sudden arrival. I talked to many of my friends here in the tri-cities area, and they suggested an OB. When I found out about my pregnancy, I strove to be incredibly educated, but I can't help feeling that choosing an OB led me down a path of increased intervention and into a birth experience that wasn't my ideal. I have already decided in the future that I'm going to give birth at a free-standing birth center in Oak Park with a certified nurse-midwife who comes highly recommended and encourages VBACs.

Don't get me wrong; my doctor was friendly and courteous. But that's about it. In retrospect, I see a lot of red flags. I always felt rushed and got the impression that she was just waiting for the next patient. I received ALL of my information from books and self-education; I did not feel comfortable or at ease in asking her questions because I felt that I was wasting her time. She was dismissive of my great fear and hesitancy to have anything to do with a c-section in the early pregnancy. She missed SEVERAL appointments with me because she was in surgery; in fact, my last three appointments at 37, 38, and 39 weeks were all with other doctors in her practice who I felt vastly more comfortable with. When we discovered that Charlotte had flipped at 39 weeks, we didn't even hear the news from her. I waited for an hour for her to arrive only to have her tell me that "she could squeeze me in for a c-section today or tomorrow." It's not at all the choice that I wanted, and I was pretty devastated by that. When I asked about a cephalic version, she said my amniotic fluid was too low and that the pregnancy was too far along (which I felt to be partially true) and in no way would she delivery a breech baby vaginally. She couldn't fit me in for my post-partum visit, so I had to reschedule and reschedule. I'm sure I could think of more. Hindsight is 20/20.

Let me also say that I was INCREDIBLY blessed: I know many women who have had miscarriages or a great deal of trouble in their pregnancies and would be only too happy to have a child by any means necessary. But I strongly feel that I had a very healthy pregnancy and that I should've have had the option to have the birth that I wanted. I don't think that's too selfish. I will also say that my doctor was very good at what she does: c-sections. I had hardly any pain, and it was a miracle from God that my recovery was so swift. I feel that Charlotte is happy, beautiful, and healthy despite her birth by caesarean, not because of it.

And though I have no scientific evidence to base it on, I strongly strongly strongly feel that my C-section was a direct cause of my inability to produce milk and breastfeed (which was even worse). !!!!! I am completely paranoid now about Charlotte getting sick, getting ear infections, losing IQ points. It's so difficult to know that nursing is the absolute best food for your baby and knowing that you are unable to give it to your child. After three months with a perfectly happy and healthy child, this is still something I think about on a DAILY basis.

But I digress.

I would say I'm a mild-mannered, easy going person who doesn't see things in black and white. I can agree with people on both sides of the aisle; this can be annoying and beneficial at the same time. Some people think I'm wishy-washy, some think I'm a peacemaker. Whatever. Being a parent has given me some new insight; I feel that I can be more confident in my decisions because I know that I am doing what is best in MY situation for MY child.

BUT, next time, whether it's in five months of five years, I have some strong opinions. I WILL NOT use Dr. ******, even though she supports VBACs (which is a rarity in the medical profession). Because of Illinois laws, I will not be able to have a direct-entry midwife or a midwife assisted homebirth, so those options are off the table. I will, however, use a CNM and free-standing birth clinic where I feel that the people are more interested in my health and well-being than on the bottom line. My c-section and hospital stay cost us around $36,000 without insurance. We owe about 15% of that, which is ridiculous. Dave thinks I'm a little crazy, but I told him I would drive down to Ina May Gaskin's Farm in Tennessee to have this baby the way I wanted, if I have to!

I will say that my lactation consultants were the best!

And now, I'm stepping off my podium.

Tomorrow we have a new President, and I'm pretty jazzed. He's not who I voted for, but I'm still very excited. I wouldn't want to be in D.C. tomorrow; it's going to be NUTS!!!

Grace and peace,
Sharon